Humility and Conflict Management

We have come to equate saying “I disagree” with being angry. So, saying or hearing that makes people uncomfortable.

How do you foster workplace dynamics in which disagreeing is not seen as pointing fingers or being angry but as constructive forking of lines of thought?

There is no such thing as a conflict-free work environment. Such an environment would be stagnant and incapable of innovation.

Two people who disagree on the best approach to do something are forced to consider the pros and cons of each approach, which gets them out of their bubbles, guides them through possibly new perspectives, and tends to lead the team to the best possible outcome.

When someone disagrees with you, you are faced with an opportunity to learn something new. Just as you can only learn math by doing exercises that challenge your current knowledge, you can only grow as a professional if you face situations where the best answer is not already at the top of your head. Otherwise, you would have nothing to learn and your next moves would always be the usual moves, which becomes demotivating with time.

When you embrace conflict as part of the job, you lose fear and are then likely to go to the office in a better mood. Think of a Monday morning when you’re heading to the office, aware there’s a difficult meeting at 10 am. If such difficulty makes you afraid because you see conflict as something unbearable and you’d rather never have to deal with it, then going to the office will probably be painful. Embrace conflict as an opportunity to deliver better results, deepen relationships, and grow professionally. Although it won’t stop completely being uncomfortable, you will simply be happier at work.

Based on the above positive consequences of embracing constructive conflict and stopping to always seek consensus, Amy Gallo argues that managers need to take responsibility for making it comfortable to disagree. Here are some ways to do it:

• Instead of always trying to be liked, focus on giving and earning respect. An environment where respect is more important than likeability makes people feel safer to disagree.
• Focus on the business instead of how the disagreement impacts you personally. If it’s an argument worth having in the workplace, it is not about you but the business. (I would add that if it’s not about the business, it’s likely not an argument worth having.)
• Consider why you are afraid of disagreeing with someone. Is it because you really fear hurting that person, or are you just projecting your discomfort? If you present your point respectfully and are not dealing with a pathologically insecure person, there should be nothing to fear.
• Try a “Fake it until you make it” approach: Think of someone you know who is good at presenting their points with respect and empathy and emulate their behavior. Observe the room and your own reactions. How do you feel? Was it so hard? Chances are it won’t be so hard, and you will slowly get used to it.

Getting used to that behavior is a path to professional maturity and, more importantly, to your own personal growth as a human being. It’s not only the work environment that would benefit from becoming safer for disagreement but the world itself. Ultimately, fear of conflict comes from the pride in each one of us, which makes us see every disagreement as a personal attack. We should all strive to build humility inside of us. Behind the scenes, that is the true power of people who can disagree with respect and make the world move forward.